This is the sin confession of a saint. This is the other side of my life. This is the side which remains unknown to most people. This is MY HIDDEN CHAPTER.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sinful Saint Story ~ Part 2

Date of Occurence: Sunday, July 11, 2010. Clear.

2AM. DD and I sleep together. His arm closely holds me. I feel comfort. I feel guilty.

4AM. I wake up earlier. We sleep apart. I try to get close to him again. I hold him from back. Still cant sleep.

4.30AM. I get crazy again. I grope his crotch. He didnt wake up.

5.30AM. I kiss him. He wake up. We made out (again).

7AM. We hug. He goes home.

I prepare myself for the church. The church? Do I still have worthiness to go to church?

8.30AM. I arrive at the church. Everybody greets me well. Everything goes as usual.

9AM. The Sacrament meeting starts. I dont partook of it. Nobody notices. Or maybe nobody even cares. I am sleepy. I only slept for 2 hours.

11AM. Priesthood class. My head is dizzy. Many things are going on my mind. I've been feeling guilty since I arrived at the church. I committed the second greatest sin. I am extremely confused. I am guilty...

I go to kitchen. I take some glass of water. Then... I see a big knife. It's just been used by somebody. It was left there. Was it for me?

I took the knife. I checked it. It was still sharp. I saw my back. Nobody. Everybody is in their class. I saw outside through window. Nobody, except a parking guard. Was he looking at me?

I dont care. I pressed the knife to my stomach. It hurts a little bit. I can feel its sharp point.

I stop.

Is this what I want? Die?

I hate myself. I shouldnt have had sex. It was a stupid mistake.

I am a proudful man. I always keep my own word. But now, I just broke my own vow. I am so ashamed of myself!

I decide to think thoroughly first about this matter. I need a clear head.

I go home. I go to my room. I sleep. I need it.

Merci,

-M-

6 comments:

  1. Speaking your truth is not easy. But it is better than remaining bottled up. Keep writing. Remember you don't have to hit publish, but if you do I think you will find a measure of support here. Good luck.

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  2. First of all, [[HUG]]

    Second: There are plenty who would debate with you about whether or not you've committed a "sin" (let alone the "second worst" sin)...

    But even if what you did is sinful, I promise you that God doesn't love you any less, and that He would prefer you remain alive and continue to seek happiness.

    You've got me in your IM contact list--please don't hesitate to message me if you ever need to talk.

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  3. I say amen, to what Scott said and add my own [[HUG]] ! Now when are we going to see another entry from you? I get the feeling from your blog's visual background that you're into books, true?

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  4. Dear Ned and Scott,

    [[HUG]] too... ^_^

    Thank you for your support, guys. I really appreciate it.

    Yes it's true that I'm into books. I love reading novels and comics.

    Perhaps on Sunday / Monday, I will post another entry.

    Merci

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  5. It's not the end of the world. Move on, learn. Keep reading (I love books too). There are lots of us ready to listen and extend helping hands. Keep writing. I want to hear more of what you have to say.

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  6. I think everyone craves that love and attention that intimacy can bring. I know I do. There are points where I've let myself down and gone past where I wanted. But I've learned from those mistakes. I just recommit myself with more realistic expectations. I let myself become involved physically with other men over a long period of time. First few dates, little to no physical contact. After that some kissing/making out which then progresses hopefully to where we are committed to each other and dating exclusively. Hope that helps bud.

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So, what do u say?