Date of Occurence: Sunday, July 11, 2010. Clear.
2AM. DD and I sleep together. His arm closely holds me. I feel comfort. I feel guilty.
4AM. I wake up earlier. We sleep apart. I try to get close to him again. I hold him from back. Still cant sleep.
4.30AM. I get crazy again. I grope his crotch. He didnt wake up.
5.30AM. I kiss him. He wake up. We made out (again).
7AM. We hug. He goes home.
I prepare myself for the church. The church? Do I still have worthiness to go to church?
8.30AM. I arrive at the church. Everybody greets me well. Everything goes as usual.
9AM. The Sacrament meeting starts. I dont partook of it. Nobody notices. Or maybe nobody even cares. I am sleepy. I only slept for 2 hours.
11AM. Priesthood class. My head is dizzy. Many things are going on my mind. I've been feeling guilty since I arrived at the church. I committed the second greatest sin. I am extremely confused. I am guilty...
I go to kitchen. I take some glass of water. Then... I see a big knife. It's just been used by somebody. It was left there. Was it for me?
I took the knife. I checked it. It was still sharp. I saw my back. Nobody. Everybody is in their class. I saw outside through window. Nobody, except a parking guard. Was he looking at me?
I dont care. I pressed the knife to my stomach. It hurts a little bit. I can feel its sharp point.
I stop.
Is this what I want? Die?
I hate myself. I shouldnt have had sex. It was a stupid mistake.
I am a proudful man. I always keep my own word. But now, I just broke my own vow. I am so ashamed of myself!
I decide to think thoroughly first about this matter. I need a clear head.
I go home. I go to my room. I sleep. I need it.
Merci,
-M-
Speaking your truth is not easy. But it is better than remaining bottled up. Keep writing. Remember you don't have to hit publish, but if you do I think you will find a measure of support here. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, [[HUG]]
ReplyDeleteSecond: There are plenty who would debate with you about whether or not you've committed a "sin" (let alone the "second worst" sin)...
But even if what you did is sinful, I promise you that God doesn't love you any less, and that He would prefer you remain alive and continue to seek happiness.
You've got me in your IM contact list--please don't hesitate to message me if you ever need to talk.
I say amen, to what Scott said and add my own [[HUG]] ! Now when are we going to see another entry from you? I get the feeling from your blog's visual background that you're into books, true?
ReplyDeleteDear Ned and Scott,
ReplyDelete[[HUG]] too... ^_^
Thank you for your support, guys. I really appreciate it.
Yes it's true that I'm into books. I love reading novels and comics.
Perhaps on Sunday / Monday, I will post another entry.
Merci
It's not the end of the world. Move on, learn. Keep reading (I love books too). There are lots of us ready to listen and extend helping hands. Keep writing. I want to hear more of what you have to say.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone craves that love and attention that intimacy can bring. I know I do. There are points where I've let myself down and gone past where I wanted. But I've learned from those mistakes. I just recommit myself with more realistic expectations. I let myself become involved physically with other men over a long period of time. First few dates, little to no physical contact. After that some kissing/making out which then progresses hopefully to where we are committed to each other and dating exclusively. Hope that helps bud.
ReplyDelete